Per Sempre
by fall into your sunlight
Summary: "I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true" There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, barganing, depression, and acceptance. He's skipping out on Heaven to help work them through the last stage. Warning: Character Death.
1. September was an ending

**Title: Per Sempre**

**Summary: "I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true." - Winnie the Pooh**

**A/N: My first real story! :D im so excited for this one! The plot bunny attacked me with this idea right before I took my PSATS and during my breaks I kept thinking about it and then I finally got to typing it (: Ok, three things- One: this takes place as if the boys weren't famous, so they live in Minnesota. But Camille and Jo will probably be in it. Two: there is slash. Kames. But what else do you expect from me? Lol but it's not like typical they realize that they're in love and date type of thing, it's more of a B-Plot to this story. You'll see what I mean when I get there (meaning the Kames-ness isn't coming till later in the story, but it'll be there lol). And three: there's a character death. (dun dun dun) But I think that's all I have to say right now so just enjoy. Oh wait I lied lol incase you're wondering the title is Italian for Forever(: ok, now I think that's it except for I don't own anything!**

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'Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made. One by one they vanish just the same' - Daughtry, "September"

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Back in Pre-K they had promised each other they'd be friends forever. And unless Webster's definition of 'forever' changed it wasn't supposed to be when they were sixteen-years-old. They were supposed to grow old together, end up in the same nursing home in Minnesota, all four of them going senile and balding. They were supposed to be married to their dream girls and have retired from their dream jobs. They were supposed to have kids and grandkids, getting random visits from them all and sharing Christmas and Thanksgiving together. Then, when they were so old they couldn't leave the comfort of their bedrooms at said nursing home, they were supposed to die peacefully in their sleep, knowing that they didn't have to worry about saying goodbye because they would all see each other soon. That was what their forever was supposed to be.

Forever wasn't supposed to come in September in their Junior year of high school.

September… they all hated that month so much now. It held a new meaning. Before it had meant that school was beginning, a new hockey season had begun, it was a new beginning on a nostalgic sort of way. But this September, was an ending for them.

In September, Kendall Knight breathed his last breath

Kendall had been sick for a long time and they all knew that death was inevitable. They just didn't want to believe it. They wanted to believe that he was going to make some miraculous recovery and he was going to spend the rest of his life with this three best friends. But it didn't turn out that way.

None of the boys even saw it coming. They didn't know that waking up to a rainy September morning was some sort of omen. They didn't know that that day was going to be the last one they spent with Kendall.

It had all started off as normally as you could imagine. Their original plans to go play hockey had fallen though because Kendall was too tired to get off the couch. Even though he told them that it wasn't anything serious and they should go enjoy their day, Logan, James, and Carlos all went over to the Knight house to keep him company. Logan had pulled him up into a sitting position, claiming that he needed to get his blood circulating and he sat down next to him. Carlos took a seat on the floor in front of the couch and James was sitting in the armchair. After a while however, Kendall's head had fallen over and he was soon asleep in Logan's lap. James, after determining that Kendall was just taking a nap and he had not fallen to his death or anything, adverted his attention to the notebook resting inside one of the end table drawers. He pulled out a pencil and tapped it on the side of the notebook. He caught the attention of Carlos, who smiled lightly at him despite his normally bright brown eyes were taking on a dejected look. James felt his chest tighten. Carlos was the happiest person he knew and it was heartbreaking when he can't manage to be genuinely happy.

James looked at Logan next. He kept his eyes focused on the TV but James knew he wasn't really watching it. His eyes had a sort of unfocused look to them; almost as if he was a zombie. He kept one hand running through Kendall's hair, almost brushing it away from the blonde boy's face, and the other was propped up on the side of the couch, holding his head up in his hands. He never let Kendall out of his sight, fearful that if he did he would lose him forever.

James's gaze then traveled to Kendall. He looked so… sick. For most of the duration of his illness, Kendall managed to look somewhat normal but recently, he just looked drained. His eyes took on a dull blue-gray color, his skin was paled, he was weak and tired almost all the time. He wasn't giving off a hopeful vibe that he was going to be ok.

James sighed and started writing. Writing songs always came easy to James whenever he had the right kind of inspiration and Kendall's situation seemed to be good enough inspiration to him.

"What are you doing?" Kendall asked.

James, startled, dropped his pencil on the floor and jumped lightly in his seat. "When did you wake up?" he asked, reaching down to pick up his fallen writing instrument.

"Just a second ago." Kendall replied and forced himself to sit up. Logan had looked away from the TV and helped him up. "My question now; what are you doing?" Kendall asked.

"Just writing." James looked down at his notebook. "It's nothing good."

"Can I see it?"

James shrugged and handed Kendall his green spiral notebook. Kendall brushed his hair out of his lifeless eyes and looked down at the scrawled writing on James's notebook.

"_But the life we live isn't so simplistic_," he read quietly. "_You just don't get what you want. So we take what comes and we keep on going, leaning on each other's shoulders. Then we turn around and see we've come so far somehow_."

James blushed faintly. "See, it's not very good."

"I like it." Logan said, peering over Kendall's shoulder to read the rest of James's song.

"Me too." Carlos added. "What made you write it?"

James bit his lip. "I - it's not important."

"C'mon, tell us." Kendall prodded him.

James sighed. "I was just thinking about…you… and the words just, like, came out, I guess." He could feel the tears coming but he fought them back, his throat and chest aching as he tried to keep his cool.

Kendall sighed. "James." he reached out for his hand and James drew back almost immediately. His hands were so cold. A sickly type of cold. It felt like a shock had been sent throughout his body. "James, it's ok." Kendall whispered.

"It's ok that you're going to die and there's nothing any of us can do about it?" James asked him, lifting up his head to send Kendall a teary-eyed glare. Kendall shrunk back upon seeing the look on James's face. James was pretty even-tempered and seeing him get so mad was kind of scary.

"James has a point you know." Carlos said softly, fighting back tears of his own. "It's not ok anymore Kendall."

"It is ok because I'm going to be ok." Kendall tried to sound confident and sure but his voice was breaking as a result of tears starting to build up in his eyes. "You guys have to believe that I'm going to be ok."

"How can we believe that when you're so sick that you can barely leave your house anymore?" James demanded. Tears were spilling down his cheeks and he threw himself up into a standing position, starting to pace. "I mean, you're always talking about how you're going to be ok but you don't know that Kendall. You don't know that it's all going to be ok so stop patronizing us for once and open your eyes to what's going on!"

"You think I don't know?" Kendall shakily stood up and positioned himself in front of James, forcing the taller boy to halt in his walk. "What do you want me to say then James? Do you want me to say that I'm going to die and there's nothing you guys can do about it? Is that what you wanna hear?"

"No." James choked back a sob.

Kendall's expression softened and he wrapped his arms around James, pulling him into a tight hug. "Then what do you want James?" he asked.

"It's not what I want, it's what I don't want." James replied, his voice muffled as a result of him pressing his face into Kendall's shoulder. "I don't want you to be sick and I don't want you to die." his voice broke on the word 'die' and his body started shaking with sobs. Kendall gently led him over to the couch and forced him to sit down next to Logan. Carlos climbed up onto the couch and seated himself on the other side of Kendall. He and Logan were silently crying as well.

"Ok, all three of you- listen to me." Kendall said. He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked from Carlos to James and Logan. "What did I promise you guys in the second grade?"

"You promised that we'd be bestest friends forever." Logan replied, sniffling.

"Exactly. And I intend on keeping that promise. When I said forever, I meant it."

James, Carlos, and Logan all believed him. Kendall had promised them forever and they all believed him. But that night he had broken his promise. And because of that, James, Carlos, and Logan all hated September.

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**A/N: ok so chapter one has come to an end. I hope you all like it because I worked really hard on it (: I gotta say that writing this really tugged at my heartstrings :p and I'm sorry I had to kill Kendall but I tried to do it in the most un-painful way possible, so I should get points for that right? lol. anways, please tell me what you all think! :D I love your feedback (:**


	2. we have to face our deepest fears

**A/N: ok so I'm not crazy about this chapter. It seems really forced and lame to me and I don't blame you if you all told me to hated it :p but I gotta say thanks to all who reviewed my first chapter! :D it meant a lot to me to see that you all liked reading my story :D and thanks to everyone who faved/alerted this story :D u all rock! And without further ado here's chapter two! (haha hey that rhymed)**

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_"Losing you is like somebody just turned all the lights off. Won't somebody, anybody, please just turn the lights on?" - Jay Sean, 'Lights Off'_

James's bedroom was usually a relaxing place, but lately it seemed to bring more heartache. The walls were painted green and every time Logan looked at them, he remembered the day he, Kendall, Carlos, and James all painted it together the summer before freshman year- a time when they were all genuinely happy. Among his walls were pictures of the four of them throughout the years they had been friends. After Kendall got sick, however, the pictures just got harder and harder to look at until James just lost it and tore them off his wall, shredding some of them in the process. The three other boys walked in on James that day, seeing him laying on his bedroom floor, a mess of pictures surrounding him. It wasn't something they liked to remember, but sadly it was something that would forever be placed in Logan's mind.

"Are they really buried six feet under?" Carlos's voice rang though his thoughts.

"I guess so Carlos." Logan bit his lip, trying to finish tying Carlos's tie. He could hear Kendall's voice ring in his ears as he did it… _"Bring the wide end across the front from right to left…Then pull the wide end up through the loop again…Bring the wide end down through the knot in front."_

"But what if they're not? Well, I guess they'd have to be or else, why would people say six feet under? Or- eeck!" Carlos's rant was cut short by Logan's hand 'accidentally' slipping up while tying his tie and choking him slightly.

"Sorry bro." Logan said, trying to hide the smirk that was fighting it's way onto his face. He succeed for the most part. Of course he knew that Carlos always over-talked when he was nervous or upset but still it got annoying after a while.

"It's ok. If I knew how to tie a tie then I wouldn't have been 'accidentally' choked." Carlos said, putting air quotes over the word 'accidentally'. "Then again, I wouldn't have to know how to tie a tie if we weren't in this situation." he added under his breath, his eyes downcast. Logan sighed and wrapped his arms around Carlos, pulling him into a hug.

"It's not fair." Carlos mumbled into Logan's chest where his head was pressed into. It was skillfully absorbing the shorter boy's tears.

"I know it's not Carlos, but we're gonna be ok." Logan said, only half believing what he was saying. Lately, he wasn't even sure what 'ok' was anymore. Could a life without Kendall really be ok? "We just need to stick together, and we'll be fine." he added, one part convincing Carlos and two parts convincing himself.

"Yeah, you're right." Carlos pulled away from Logan and wiped his eyes. "I can't remember the last time I cried so much." he chuckled lightly, trying to make a joke of it but his laugh was hallow and lifeless; very un-Carlos-like. It was depressing in a way.

"Yeah, me either." Logan said. He glanced over his shoulder and leaned in closer to Carlos. "I don't think both of our tears combined can even compare to James though."

Carlos nodded in agreement, and then had a thought. "Where is he anyway? He's been in the bathroom for, like, twenty minutes. It doesn't take anybody that long to get ready for a f… f-funeral." Carlos nearly choked on the word and Logan gave him another hug.

"Yeah you're right." Logan walked out of James's bedroom and across the hall to the bathroom. He lightly rapped his knuckles on the door. "James? It's almost time to go? You ready?"

The bathroom door creaked open and James stuck his head out. The first thing that Logan noticed was his eyes. James had bright hazel eyes that always seemed to be smiling, but now were dead and bloodshot. They looked like they didn't belong on the face of James Diamond.

Logan swallowed thickly. "You ready James?" he asked.

"I guess so." James's voice was emotionless and he moved as if he was set on autopilot. Logan and Carlos exchanged a look before following him out the house. It was still hard to wrap their minds around the fact that they were about to go to their best friend's funeral…

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James's mind didn't fully process what was going on until the viewing. James didn't even understand why people had viewings anyway. Why would somebody wanted to look at their loved ones dead body? The whole thing seemed pretty cryptic to him. It wasn't right. There was music playing in the church, but James couldn't hear her. He couldn't comprehend the words the singer was saying. All he could focus on was the dead body of his best friend in the casket in front of him.

Kendall looked exactly the same as the last time James saw him, which was the day before he died. His blonde hair was resting atop his eyes, which were peacefully shut. He didn't even look dead. He looked asleep. James reached inside the casket and lightly drug his finger across Kendall's cheek. When Kendall didn't respond, James felt the tears coming. He knew it was true. Kendall was dead.

The air suddenly felt like there wasn't enough of it to go around and James couldn't breathe. Pushing himself away from the crowd of people, James ran out of the church. He would've kept on running if Carlos hadn't caught up to him outside.

"James, just slow down, it's alright."

"Carlos, what is it going to take for everyone to see that it's not alright?" James exploded, grabbing his hair in his hands. Tears were cooling his heated face. "Kendall is gone and everyone keeps saying that it's going to be ok but it won't! He's gone and we need him back! I n-need K-Kenny." James began to sob and Carlos reached out to hug him, to hold him close, but James backed away from him. Without another word, James took off running. Where to, Carlos had no idea, but he did know that things were only going to get worse from here.

"James!" he yelled his name over and over until James was out of his line of vision.

"What's going on out here?" Logan asked, leaving the church.

"James left." Carlos said.

"What? Why? Is he ok? Where did he go?"

"Logan!" Carlos cut off Logan's string of questions and just stared at him. "He's obviously hurting right now and there isn't much we can do to help him. He needs his space."

Logan raised his eyebrows. "When did you get to be so smart?"

"Around the time Kendall got sick." Carlos admitted. "We all had to do a little growing up."

Logan felt his chest tighten and he nodded. "C'mon, we have a speech to give."

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"I'm not going to stand here and talk about how much Kendall will be missed, because that much is obvious." Carlos started. He never liked public speaking. It was nauseating and in some ways humiliating to him, since he had a bit of a nervous stutter. But for some reason- a reason he did not understand- it wasn't as hard talking about Kendall in front of a bunch of grief stricken people as it was talking about World War II in front of his US History class. "But I'm going to take this time to celebrate his life in a way." Carlos took a deep breath and looked at Logan. He nodded and Carlos continued.

"Logan, James and I met Kendall in Pre K, so it's legitimate when I say that we've been friends forever. I can honestly say that I don't remember a time when Kendall and I weren't friends, and I'm glad it's that way because my life would be entirely different if Kendall Knight wasn't my friend.

"Kendall was like a big brother to all of us, even though we were all older than him." Logan picked up on the speech. "He always watched out for us and if we ever had any problems, he would be there to make it all better. Kendall cared for us more than he cared for himself. Even after he got sick, he stilled worried about us more than anything. That's just the kind of person Kendall was." Logan paused to swallow the lump forming in his throat. "K-Kendall, um, Kendall always told us that he would be friends forever but when he got sick, that got har-harder and harder to b-believe." Logan paused to wipe his tears away. "I'm sorry." he muttered. Carlos rubbed his shoulders soothingly and silently encouraged him to go on.

"Even though we knew our time with Kendall was cut short we were intent on making it as special as we could." Logan continued, struggling to keep his voice steady. "We didn't want to waste any of our time left with him. But deep down, the four of us were just avoiding saying goodbye." Logan took a sharp breath and wiped his eyes again, and Carlos took at as his cue to pick up on the speech.

"But today we have to say face our deepest fears and say goodbye." Carlos looked up and saw all the broken faces looking at him and he couldn't handle this anymore. He and Logan quickly ended their speech and sat back in the audience with their families as they lowered Kendall's casket into the ground. They had said their final goodbye and it hurt like hell. What hurt more was that James wasn't here with them where he needed to be.

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James sat upon the roof of his house, knees drawn to his chest and his body trembling with silent sobs. It hurt so much. He needed Kendall back. His life felt so incomplete without it. It wasn't like he moved away or something; Kendall died. And he wasn't coming back. It hurt more and more every time he thought about it.

James made up his mind. He needed to be with Kendall. He wouldn't be able to live without him, that much he knew. Logan and Carlos would make it somehow but James knew he couldn't.

The brunette boy stood up and slowly inched his way to the edge of the roof until he was practically balancing on the rain gutters. Closing his eyes and outstretching his eyes, he extended one leg over the edge.

_'I'll see you soon Kendall'_

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**A/N: cliffy! Haha well I tried. What did you all think? If you want me to continue this, just review (: xoxo**


	3. People don't come back from the dead

**A/N: again, thanks to those who reviewed :D it always makes me smile to see that the number of reviews went up, even if it's only by one! :D**

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'Cuz maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall' - Oasis, "Wonderwall"

James was falling. But something wasn't right. He wasn't falling forward to his death, ending his life with the impact from the sidewalk so he could soon find himself in Kendall's arms again. He was falling _backwards_. His body slammed against the tiles of the rooftop, knocking the wind out of him. Someone had saved him.

"What the hell were you thinking James Diamond?"

James froze. That voice sounded so familiar to him. Blinking, he turned his head to see who had knocked him backwards. His eyes widened in shock. He was hallucinating. Going crazy. Losing his mind. He closed his eyes, then promptly snapped them back open. The figure was still there, glaring at him. James pinched his wrist as hard as he could. It hurt like hell and he knew that he wasn't dreaming. But there was no way this could be real.

There was no way Kendall was sitting right in front of him when he just died yesterday.

James continued staring at him, expecting him to disappear into thin air or vanish away from him, like he would in a dream. James reached a shaky hand out towards him and place it on his shoulder. He could feel him. His hand didn't go though him like he was a transparent ghost but it was like he was alive again.

"James."

James flinched when Kendall said his name and pulled his arm back as if Kendall was on fire. _'This is not real.' _he thought. _'I'm just crazy.'_

"James, I know you can hear me." Kendall said. He spoke slowly as if he was speaking to a young child. "Why were you about to jump off of the roof?"

James opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He just stared, gaping at Kendall, trying to figure out if he should have himself committed. Kendall rolled his eyes and reached out to touch James. When his hand made contact with James's arm, the brunette boy screamed loudly as if Kendall was stabbing him with a knife. He flung himself backwards and backed up until he was at the door that lead to his attic.

"James, calm down!" Kendall said over his screams, inching his way closer to him. "It's me- Kendall. I'm right here."

But James just screamed louder and dropped down into his attic. He landed on the floor with a thud, a cloud of dust surrounding his body. Not looking back up at the roof he took off running downstairs. When he reached the main floor, he threw open the front door in an attempt to leave the house but Kendall was standing there. Before James could do anything, Kendall threw a hand over his mouth and gently backed him up until he was pressed up against the wall.

"James, just calm down." Kendall said. James was shouting something of protest, but Kendall couldn't understand what he was saying with his hand over his mouth. "Eww! Did you lick me?" Kendall pulled his hand away to wipe it on his shirt, but he kept one fixated on James's chest to hold him against the wall.

"What the _hell_ are you?" James panted, his eyes wide with fear.

"Just relax and I can explain." Kendall replied.

"Explain _now_!"

"It's me, Kendall. I'm sort of back from the dead… in a way."

James's eyes widened more, if that was even possible. "G-get the hell away from me, you freaky weird ghost thing!" he pushed Kendall off of him as hard as he could and took off running out of the apartment.

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Carlos and Logan were walking home from the cemetery when they were body slammed into the ground by a very frantic James.

"Dude, what's gotten into you?" Carlos asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"Kendall's at my house!" James shouted at them.

Carlos and Logan stared at him as if he just said he wanted to have a sex change operation. "What?" they exclaimed in unison.

"He-he's at my house! And he touched me and slammed me up against the wall and then I ran here!" James explained in fast-speech. His eyes were wild and he was breathing heavily.

"James… Kendall's dead." Logan said slowly. "His funeral was today-"

"No you don't understand!" James insisted. "I went back to my house after I left and I was gonna jump off the roof but Kendall stopped me and he told me he's back from the dead."

"You were gonna jump off your roof?" Carlos exclaimed.

"That's besides the point!" James yelled. "Can we focus on Kendall here?"

"He's dead James! He didn't stop you from doing something totally stupid because he's dead." Logan said in a firm voice.

"Well that was offensive." a voice said from behind them, causing Logan and Carlos to scream and turn around, backing up next to James. Their eyes widened in shock as they saw Kendall standing before them.

"What the…" Carlos trailed off, not taking his eyes off of what he thought was his dead best friend. He didn't look like he had just died; he didn't look like he had just crawled up from six feet under with dirt and worms all over him. He looked just the way any other sixteen-year-old boy would look. He even wore his beanie and his vans.

"I know this is pretty crazy right now but just let me explain." Kendall said. "And please don't scream like James did." he added. James rolled his eyes despite the fact that he was pretty much terrified out of his mind. "Ok, when I died, I didn't go to heaven right away. I went to, like, this white room. And there was a guy there, and he opened this portal thing in the floor and I got to watch you guys. And I saw how sad you were because I was gone, so me and the guy struck a deal. He said I could come back to earth as a spirit to help you guys heal and get over my death, so you can live your lives. Only you three can see and communicate with me, and when you're all mentally stable enough to go on without me, I'll descend into heaven."

James, Logan, and Carlos were speechless.

"I know it sounds crazy, but it's the truth." Kendall said. "You guys were wrecked without me, especially Mr. I-wanna-jump-off-a-roof over here." Kendall paused to roll his eyes.

"So let me get this straight." Carlos said slowly. "You died yesterday… but you're back to help us get over your death?"

"In a nutshell." Kendall said with a shrug.

"O…kay then." Carlos nodded slowly, as if he was starting to 'get it' and Kendall smirked a bit. The blonde looked over at James and Logan, who still looked pretty shocked, Logan more than James. "Is he breathing?" Kendall asked.

"Logan?" James snapped out of his initial shock and smacked Logan on the back lightly. Logan shook for a moment, then looked at Kendall.

"This is not possible. People don't come back from the dead." Logan started backing away from him.

"Logan, I know it's hard to wrap your head around-"

"Stop talking to me, you're not real!" Logan snapped.

"Logan, he's obviously real if he's here in front of us." Carlos said, trying to convince Logan.

"NO! There's no such thing as ghosts or spirits or best friends who come back as therapists!" Logan exclaimed. Kendall walked towards him and put his hands on the shorter boy's shoulders. But before he could say anything, Logan pushed him off and took off running down the sidewalk. Kendall sighed and ran his fingers through his blonde locks. This wasn't going to be as easy as he hoped.

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**A/N: ok so it's short :p but I got inspiration for this chapter right away and I couldn't wait to type it, and post it (: I'm already working on the next chapter now lol. hope you all enjoyed reading this (:**


	4. She's not even Jo anymore

**A/N: ok so I was fan fiction-deprived for almost the whole weekend): but I decided at like almost one in the morning to finish typing this chapter(: hope you all enjoy!**

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_'Well I tried to live without you, the tears fall from my eyes. I'm alone and I feel empty, God I'm torn apart inside' - Miley Cyrus, "Stay"_

"Ghost-y enough for you James?" his voice rang throughout the room, having somewhat of an echo to it. James and Carlos looked around the room, still unable to see him. Whether or not they accepted Kendall's returned, this was going to take some getting used to.

"Carlos, for the tenth time, this is NOT like A Christmas Carol!" Kendall exasperatedly rolled his eyes and dropped his head into his palms. "I'm not here to teach you to be good to others- you already know that!"

"So is this your unfinished business?" Carlos asked.

James groaned. "Why are you relating this to every ghost movie you've seen?"

The three boys were at the Garcia house and Kendall was trying to convince the two of them that he wasn't an "evil ghost" and they weren't "going crazy", and it wasn't entirely easy.

"Ooh!" Carlos said suddenly. "Remember when we all watched Ghost a couple of years ago, and Kendall cried?"

"I wasn't crying!" Kendall insisted, blushing. "There was something in my eyes! And it was allergy season-"

"In the middle of winter?" James smirked. James didn't know if he was willing to believe Kendall's reappearance, but he did know that sitting here with Kendall made him feel the best he had felt in months. And he didn't care if it meant that he could possibly be crazy.

"Shut up!" Kendall mumbled.

"You also cried when we watched Three Days." Carlos added.

"Well that's was cry-worthy!" Kendall cried. "And James was crying too!"

"We-we're not talking about me now, are we?" James stuttered out, blushing furiously.

Carlos chuckled, but his smile faded after a few moments.

"What's wrong Carlitos?" Kendall asked.

"I miss you Kendall." Carlos muttered, looking down at his hands in his lap. "It's not the same, and it's not ok that you're gone."

Kendall sighed, his expression suddenly somber. "I didn't want to leave you guys." he whispered. "I just couldn't help it."

"We get it." James said before he could continue. "You had cancer and there wasn't anything you, or any of us, could do but… it still shouldn't have been this way. You promised us forever, man, and you broke your promise."

"Hey." Kendall put his hand on James's knee and the brunette boy looked up, his hair hiding his face. Kendall reached over to brush his hair away but he flinched back. Sighing, Kendall ran the offending hand through his own hair and cleared his throat. "I know I broke my promise but consider this my second chance at redeeming myself." he said.

"Yeah but you're gonna end up leaving us again aren't you?" Carlos asked.

"Only, and only after, the three of you guys are stable enough to have me gone." Kendall said. "I mean, if I up and left now you guys would be really messed up, like more than before. But after I help you all head, you'll be ok. And I'll have to leave. I won't like it, but it's what I'll have to do, because one day you won't need me around."

"That's not true Kendall." James said sharply. "We'll always need you."

"But after this wound heals you won't need me as much." Kendall said gently. "You'll be able to live your lives again."

"I hope your right about this." Carlos muttered.

"I know I'll be right when James stops trying to jump off roofs." Kendall stated, giving his taller friend a 'look'.

"You're never gonna let me live that down are you?" James sighed.

"Nope." Kendall replied, popping the 'p'. James smirked slightly and rolled his eyes. "Do you think Logan's gonna come around and accept this Kendall's-back thing?" the blonde boy asked, a sudden uncertainty in his tone.

James and Carlos both sighed and shrugged. "You know how Logie is." Carlos said after a moment of silence. "If it can't be explained in a text book, he has a hard time believing it." Kendall sighed. "But I'm sure we can get him to come around soon." Carlos added quickly.

"Yeah." Kendall muttered. There was a silence among the three boys.

"So can you do any ghost-y tricks?" James asked.

Kendall smirked. "Blink." he said. James and Carlos both exchanged confused glances and looked back at Kendall. "Trust me. Close your eyes for a second and open them." confused the two boys shut their eyes and snapped them open almost immediately after. When they did, Kendall was no longer in the room. He had disappeared.

"Ghost-y enough for you James?" his voice rang throughout the room, having somewhat of an echo to it. James and Carlos looked around the room, still unable to see him. Whether or not they accepted Kendall's returned, this was going to take some getting used to.

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It had been a week since Kendall's death and the boys decided to return to school. James and Carlos were better off than most people expected. Granted, they were still sad and confused over Kendall's death but having his 'spirit' around to help them out, they were…decent, to say the least. Logan, who still refused to accept that Kendall could have returned, just shut down. He barely spoke or ate, and he never wanted to do anything. He was slowly slipping into a depression and James, Carlos, and Kendall weren't sure what to do about it.

Most of the school day had been a blur, especially to Carlos. All of his teachers expressed their condolences to him and excused him from the school work he had missed, but still helped him to get caught up. The students, however, weren't the same; they barely said anything to him. Fearful that they could spark a breakdown from Carlos by just mentioning Kendall's name they avoided all topics of his death best they could. Carlos was grateful when lunch had rolled around; he was finally with Logan and James and he could think straight, and get some food in his system at the same time. He walked into the cafeteria alone, looking for his best friends when someone tugged on his hoodie.

"Hey, Carlos.". He turned around and saw Jo Taylor standing behind him, a sullen look in her eyes but a slight smile on her face. Jo had a friend of the boys since she moved to Minnesota freshman year and the object of Kendall's affection ever since. Carlos and her weren't the best of friends, mostly because they contrasted so much, but he still talked to her whenever she wanted to talk to him. She was ok for the most part, but there was a rumor about her- and the main reason why Kendall hadn't tried to peruse his crush any further- that she was making it through high school on her back. A lot of guys on the hockey team had bragged about "being" with her, but Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and James were never sure if that was true or not seeing as how they didn't care enough to ask. But nonetheless, Jo's infamous reputation intimidated Kendall enough to not want to ask her out, even though it was painfully obvious he liked her.

"Hey Jo. What's up?" he watched over her shoulder as James tried to coax Logan into eating some lunch.

"Nothing. Look, I wasn't going to say anything at first but I sorta changed my mind last minute. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I'm really, really sorry… you know, about Kendall. It's really awful." Jo was one of those girls who rambled when she was nervous.

Carlos smiled politely. "Thanks Jo."

Jo nodded and looked down at her cuticles, the only visible part of her arm seeing as the sleeves of her tight black V-neck were long and covered most of her hands. "S-so, uh… I know this is gonna be pretty weird since we don't, like, talk and all but…" Jo finally lifted her head up to look at Carlos. The Latino boy searched her face; all he saw was unshed tears in her blue eyes. "C-can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, sure." Carlos replied. "What's up."

Jo looked around. "Not here, too many people staring." Jo grabbed his arm and gently led him out of the cafeteria. Carlos glanced over his shoulder to see Logan and James watching him curiously. Carlos widened his eyes and raised his eyebrows as a silent way to say he had no idea what was going on. Jo led him down a long hallway and to one of the stairwells. There was an emergency exit and Jo simply pushed it open as if it was a door to a classroom and she wasn't breaking a major school rule.

"The alarm hasn't been fixed in months." she explained to Carlos as he walked outside after her. "But no one knows that it's broken."

"How do you know?" Carlos asked, curious.

"Mercedes." Jo shrugged, referring to the self-centered rich blonde who worked in the front office and knew everything about everything. Jo smirked slightly and Carlos smiled upon seeing something near to a genuine smile on her face. "Girl can't keep her mouth shut to save her life."

"That's for sure." Carlos chuckled. He turned around in a slow circle, looking around outside until the sound of a match lighting snapped him out of his thoughts.

"You smoke?" he asked incredulously. Jo had never struck him as a smoker.

Jo shrugged and took a drag, obviously uninterested in the topic. Carlos took the time to really look at Jo. Back in freshman year, she always had her hair pulled back, revealing her bright, makeup covered face. Now she just lets it hang, most of the time covering her face, which was makeup free now. It fell to about her shoulders, almost straight but not quite. She was still cute but she had taken on a 'I really don't care how I look' attitude and appearance. She wasn't dolled up like most of the girls in their grade; she dressed casually, usually in army boots, skinny jeans, and a long-sleeved shirt. She was starting to look like somebody else and it made Carlos feel bad. She had changed right under his nose and he hadn't even taken notice to it. He assumed it was back when Kendall had first gotten sick.

"She smokes?"

_'Speak of the devil' _Carlos thought, after the initial shock of Kendall randomly popping up next to him went away.

"You ok?" Jo asked, taking notice of Carlos flinching.

"Yeah, just paranoid." he replied, a small smile on his face.

"Since when does Jo smoke?" Kendall asked him. When Jo looked away from him Carlos shrugged and Kendall had a forlorn look on his face. "She's not even Jo anymore." he mumbled sadly.

"I know." Carlos muttered in reply.

"What?"

"I said, what's up? I mean, what did you wanna talk about?" Carlos asked.

Jo sighed and took another drag from her cigarette, looking off into the distance. "It's about Kendall." she finally said. "I miss him."

"We all do Jo." Carlos said, a feeling of sadness taking over him immediately.

Jo nodded, keeping her stare fixated on whatever she was looking so intently at. "I… I don't even know what to do anymore." she whispered. "It's so hard without him here…. Seeing him everyday, talking to him…" tears began filling up in her eyes but she blinked them back.

Carlos glanced briefly at Kendall, who hadn't taken his eyes off of her. "What are you trying to say Jo?" he asked slowly.

Jo sniffled and dropped her cigarette to the ground, grinding it out with her boot. Tears started falling down her cheeks. "Ok, so I know you have a lot to deal with right now, seeing as you just buried your best friend a week ago but I needed somebody to talk to." she was speaking to the floor at this point, unaware that Carlos- and Kendall- were watching her, silently encouraging her to continue. Jo took a deep breath and looked up at Carlos. "I think I might've loved him." she said, her voice cracking with emotion.

"What?" Carlos and Kendall exclaimed at the same time, except Kendall screamed the word while Carlos whispered it.

Jo sniffled again and crossed her arms across her chest, a sudden chill wrapping itself around her body like a blanket. "I know it sounds crazy, and I know I have that reputation as a whore or whatever, but Kendall was just different. He didn't look at me like the other guys did, like someone to just hook up with. He looked at me like I was a human being, like I was worth something."

"Oh Jo." Carlos sighed. He walked towards her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a hug. She was stiff at first but she gradually returned the hug. Carlos lifted his head up over her shoulder and saw that Kendall had moved to behind her. He was leaning against the brick wall of the school, a look of confusion and shock on his face.

"I'm sorry I'm dumping all of this on you." Jo said, pulling away from Carlos. "I know you have a lot to deal with."

"It's ok."

Jo smiled lightly at Carlos. "You're so sweet Carlos."

Carlos smiled back. "Thanks."

Jo turned to head back inside and turned around when she noticed that Carlos wasn't following her. "You comin?"

"I'll catch up in a bit, I gotta do some thinking." Carlos replied. Jo nodded and wedged a block of wood between the door and the wall so Carlos wasn't locked out. When he was sure Jo was gone, Carlos turned to Kendall, who hadn't moved from his spot on the wall. "You ok?" he asked him.

"Ok? No, I'm not ok!" Kendall exclaimed. "I find out that the girl I liked since freshman year likes me and I'm not even alive to enjoy it!"

"Yeah, that's insane." Carlos replied. "But it's not a big deal. I mean, Jo's alright but-"

"Aright? Dude, she's amazing!" Kendall interrupted. "And she's the only decent girl who likes me."

"She's not the only person who likes you Kendall." Carlos replied.

"Oh yeah, can't forget Jenny Tinkler." Kendall said sarcastically.

"I wasn't talking about Jenny." Carlos mumbled.

"Then who?"

"Forget about it."

"No, tell me."

"I can't, I promised I wouldn't."

"Promised who?"

"Just drop it. Why are you randomly popping up everywhere?"

Kendall smirked slightly. "It's just something I can do." he replied.

"Well don't, it's creepy." Carlos said. He pushed past Kendall to go back inside the school. He paused, his hand on the door handle, and then turned around to face Kendall. "You know, instead of worrying about Jo, you should worry about the reason you say you're back here." he said softly.

Kendall raised a bushy eyebrow. "What do you mean?" Carlos shrugged and turned back to the door. "Carlos, wait." Kendall put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around to face him. "When did you get to be so insightful?" he asked, using a very Logan-ish word.

Carlos smirked softly. "We all had to do a lot of growing up the past few months dude." he replied.

Kendall bit his lip and looked down. "Yeah, I know what you mean." he muttered. Carlos turned to leave again, pushing open the door. "But if it matters, I miss the old Carlos." Kendall called after him. Carlos turned around to reply but he only saw an empty space where Kendall used to be.

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**A/N: so what did you all think? Some foreshadowing perhaps? (; hmmm… guess you'll have to read more and find out! And sorry for the lack of Logan, but I'll make up for that in the next chapter (: Reviews?**


	5. Tell Me About When We Were Twelve

**A/N: ugh it took my sooooo long to update this!): im sorry! But school's had me busy and I've been sick: but anyway I tried to do some LoganAngst for this chapter. Tell me how I did (: this chapter was really the first part of the story I thought of when I originally planned it, so I really like it(: oh and for the last chapter, there's a part that's there twice nd it isn't supposed to be there but FF hates me nd messed it up :p sorry bout that!**

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_'And all the past is just a lesson that we've learned. I won't forget, I won't forget us' - Demi Lovato, "Don't Forget"_

Logan was no atheist. He believed in God, heaven, hell- all of that. But what he didn't believe in was ghosts and spirits, so naturally he didn't believe that Kendall could suddenly come back from the dead to 'help him'. Stuff like that made him believe that he was straightjacket certified.

Part of Logan wanted to believe Kendall was back though. He wanted to believe that his best friend since Pre-K was back in his life again, but that just wasn't logical, so naturally he was having a difficult time wrapping his head around it. All he wanted to do was forget about Kendall. So he just decided to move on with his life best he could.

Which is the reason why he was at his school at seven o'clock in the morning taking the PSATs. A good hour and a half of math and reading would surely distract Logan.

"Psst!" Logan lifted his head, which was resting on the cold desk, and looked around upon hearing the hushed calling. "Logan!" Logan blinked and stared out the window that was encased upon the door.

"Seriously?" he muttered under his breath, annoyed. Standing in the hallway, waving and smiling brightly at him was the same blonde demon that haunted his dream at night. Logan got up from his seat and quickly ran out into the hallway.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed at Kendall.

"James and Carlos told me you were taking the PSATs today and I wanted to see how you were doing." Kendall replied.

"I'd be doing a lot better if you weren't around." Logan replied, glaring at him.

"That wasn't nice." Kendall pouted.

"Well you're always around!" Logan exclaimed, thankful that nobody else was in the hallway. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Because I want to help you Logie."

"Well you're not; you're driving me crazy!"

"Just accept that I'm back and you won't be driven crazy!" Kendall was getting exasperated now; Logan was making this all the more difficult. "I mean, c'mon Logan! We're standing here having this conversation; that should prove that I'm not a mirage or whatever, and you're not goin crazy!"

"You can't be back!" Logan said through gritted teeth, gripping his short black hair in his hands. "You just can't be!"

"Why not?"

"Because!" Logan groaned. "You just can't be!"

"Logan-"

"I have a test to take." Logan turned around and went back into his classroom, leaving Kendall standing there, alone. Growling in annoyance, he aimed a kick at the water fountain before leaving the school in a huff.

* * *

Logan had been sitting in his car for a good twenty minutes now. The test ended but Logan knew that he didn't do anywhere near his best. The whole time, he was so distracted. All he could think of was Kendall, and he was still thinking about Kendall. There's no way that he could really be back… could it?

"Remember when we were twelve and I first taught you how to play hockey?"

Logan nearly jumped out of his skin and ended up banging his head on the roof of his car. "What the hell are you doing in my car?" he exclaimed at Kendall, who was sitting in the passenger's seat, staring at Logan.

"Answer the question Logie. Do you remember?" Kendall pressed.

"Of course I remember Kendall." Logan rolled his eyes. "Just because you're gone doesn't mean I forgot all about you."

Kendall ignored that last comment. "Tell me about it."

"What?" Logan was beyond confused now.

Kendall groaned. "Tell. Me. About. When. We. Were. Twelve." he said slowly.

"What does us being twelve have to do with-"

"Damnit Logan! Just tell me!"

Logan sighed. "James and Carlos were both sick, and we were bored at your house." he started. "So you said you wanted to teach me how to play ice hockey, but I didn't want to because I didn't think I'd be any good. But you kept on insisting and insisting, so I said ok, and we went to the frozen pond behind your house, even though your mom told us we weren't allowed to play there.

"I told you over and over that we should go to a real ice rink but you said that I would learn better on this pond, though I don't know why." Logan paused to roll his eyes. "So anyway, you started to teach me how to play and I was finally getting the hang of it." Logan smiled softly at the memory of him finally being able to skate from one end of the pond to the other without falling. Kendall was so proud of him, like any big brother would be. A sudden tightness took a home in Logan's chest and his smile was fading slowly.

"And after a while we got bored playing hockey- as crazy as that sounds- so we decided to race a bit because you said, it'll help me gain speed and be a better hockey player. So we raced up and down the ice for the longest time but we went too…" Logan swallowed the lump forming in his throat. "We went too far, and the ice was getting really thin. But we didn't care, or we didn't notice- I don't know which one, but we just kept skating. Then the ice started to crack.

"We just stood there at first and it started to crack some more. We went to skate back but…the cracks got bigger. And we fell in."

Tears began to sting Logan's eyes and Kendall rubbed a comforting hand across his shoulders.

"I went under the ice and I couldn't get up, and I was so scared." Logan was talking at a rapid pace now, as if he was trying to get the words out before his tears started falling. "B-but you pulled me up, and we got off the ice. You s-s-saved me K-Kendall." Logan felt Kendall's arms around him, pulling him into a hug as he started to sob. He wasn't cold like he expected him to bed; he felt just like Kendall should.

"It's ok Logie, it's ok." Kendall whispered to him.

"I love you Kendall." Logan said, his voice muffled due to his face being pressed into Kendall's shoulder. "I love you so much, but I don't want you to be back because I can't say goodbye to you again. I can't." Logan pushed himself away from Kendall. "And don't say that it'll be ok this time because we'll have accepted your death or whatever, because that's a load of bull. It's not going to make anything better."

"Logan." Kendall struggled to keep his voice steady. "As long as you remember me, and you keep memories like these close to your heart, you'll never have to say goodbye again."

Logan dissolved into a mess of tears and launched himself at Kendall, hugging him tightly. Logan thought for a moment that he was thankful the school parking lot is abandoned because all people would've seen is Logan, laying across the front seat of his car, having a breakdown. But another moment passed and he decided that he didn't care, because he had Kendall.

* * *

**A/N: awh (: so I gotta say I liked this chapter! Short, I know, but what did you all think of it? (:**


	6. This is your second chance

**A/N: ok I know I suck for not updating for a while, I blame writers block :p but thank The Body of Christopher Creed for inspiring me to start writing again :D and I hope that the future gaps between updates will be smaller now. Anyways, hope you enjoy this chap (: **

* * *

_"I can live without you bur without you I'll be miserable at best" - Mayday Parade, 'Miserable At Best'_

It was still early when James decided that he wasn't going to fall back asleep. After Logan had woken him up, due to him leaving for the PSATs (James had always been a very light sleeper), James just laid in his bed for what felt like an eternity, just thinking. Lately, he had been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about Kendall. Strange as it seemed, he was ok with Kendall being back. Saying goodbye again was going to be hard but he hoped that Kendall was right when he said that it would be easier this time around. But part of him was mad at Kendall for coming back. James looked at Kendall's death as a way for him to get over his crush on the blonde boy, that annoying crush that had been around since they were about thirteen. At first it just started off as mere infatuation- puppy love if you will- but as time went on, James's feelings grew more and more. Kendall had never known though. James knew about his crush on Jo and he didn't dare say anything in fear of rejection. Luckily, Carlos and Logan were around for him to vent to.

"James?" Carlos's sleepy voice cut through James's never-ending thoughts like an axe and the taller boy rolled over in his bed to see Carlos waking up on the air mattress. "Where's Logan?"

"PSATs." James replied, rolling over so he was on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Oh right." Carlos yawned, then looked at James again. "What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" James asked, not moving to look at Carlos.

"You seem…upset." Carlos said, staring at his friend with a worried expression.

"I've just been thinking." James said after a moment of silence. "Bout Kendall." he added after another moment of silence.

Carlos went silent as well, biting his lip. He knew that Kendall being back was messing up James's head, especially since he liked him so much.

"Maybe you should tell him." Carlos said softly.

James rolled over in his bed to face Carlos. "Tell him what exactly? That I've been in love with him for three years and when he died I was hoping to get over him but he came back and ruined my plans?"

"Well, maybe not those words exactly." Carlos said sheepishly.

James sighed and rolled his eyes. "Forget it Carlitos. I didn't tell him when he was alive-"

"And that's why you should tell him now." Carlos insisted. "This is your second chance. Don't screw it up."

As much as James hated to admit it, Carlos had a point. "Forget it, I can't do it."

"You can do it, you're just afraid."

James scoffed, even though it was entirely true. "I'm not scared of anything."

"You're scared of Kendall." Carlos countered. "And you're scared of Kendall knowing that you like him because you're scared he won't like you back."

"That's bullshit." James rolled his eyes again. "I repeat: I'm not scared of anything."

"Well if you're not scared of anything, then go tell Kendall." Carlos challenged and James froze. Crap! He hadn't planned of this happening. He was prepared to argue with Carlos for a couple more minutes but he wasn't prepared to prove the Latino boy wrong.

"Well he's not here right now so I obviously can't." James tried.

"Fine, but when he gets here you're gonna tell him, right?"

James's breath got caught in his throat as he tried to stutter out an excuse on why he can't tell him he loves Kendall, and how it had nothing to do with him being scared, which he was but didn't want to admit.

Carlos rolled his eyes this time, listening to James's silence that followed his question. "Dude, just admit it- you're scared to tell Kendall you like him."

"I am not!"

"You are!"

"Not!"

"Stop arguing with me and just admit it!"

"You stop arguing with me and get off my back!"

"I'm just trying to help you!"

"Well you're annoying me!"

"Because you know I'm right!"

"What's with all the yelling?"

Carlos and James let out started screams when they heard a new voice in their argument. They turned to see Kendall standing in the door frame, leaning against it, his arms crossed across his chest.

"No more yelling." Carlos replied and shot an evil smile in James's direction. "James just has something he wants to tell you."

"CARLOS!"

"I'll give you guys a minute." and he fled from the room, leaving a red-faced fuming James and a confused Kendall.

"Um, what's he talking about?" Kendall asked.

For the second time, James couldn't speak. He felt like he just swallowed sand paper and no actual would come out, just pitiful stutters. "I- I… I sort of um… well-"

"C'mon, James just spit it out." Kendall said. "You can tell me anything, being dead doesn't change that."

James licked his lips and looked down at his feet. "C-can I, um… I have something to tell you, that I've been keeping from you for a while now."

Kendall shrugged. "What?"

Another silence followed them and it was making Kendall crazy. Why couldn't James just tell him?

"On second thought…it's stupid. Forget it." James mumbled.

"Come on James!" Kendall encouraged. "It can't possibly be that bad."

"It is."

"Well, I wouldn't know because you won't tell me!"

"You'll think it's stupid!"

"No I won't. I promise."

James groaned and buried his face in his hands. "I wish I could believe that." he mumbled.

"Why can't you?" Kendall asked softly, obviously hurt.

James groaned again. "It's hard to explain."

"Well try me." Kendall replied.

"No, just forget it- it's not even worth it."

"Well I think it is." Kendall walked across the room so he was facing James. "Tell me." he demanded softly. He gingerly placed a hand under his friend's chin and tipped it up, forcing their eyes to lock.

James sighed when their eyes made contact and he felt his heart flutter. "I love you Kendall." he whispered.

Kendall looked confused for a moment. "I love you too."

"No, you don't understand." James insisted softly. "I love you. Like, love love you."

Kendall took a second to process this and then his eyes went wide. "You what?" he hissed.

James bit his lip and looked down. "I told you it was stupid." he mumbled, not taking his teeth off of his lips.

"James I'm… not gay!" Kendall said after a moment. "I mean, I love you and everything and you're really attractive but you and me-" he motioned between the two of them with his hands. "-can't happen."

"We could." James said hopefully. "I mean, you didn't say you were straight, just not gay. And you called me attractive."

"James, we can't be together!" Kendall insisted.

"Why not?" James demanded.

"Well for one, I'm not good enough for you!" Kendall exclaimed. "You need to be taken care of and I can't do that for you. I do and say things without thinking and I'll just end up hurting you without even knowing."

"You can never hurt me Kendall." James said, even though it wasn't entirely true. Every time Kendall spoke of Jo it broke James's heart.

"Yes I can James! And you know it." Kendall was borderline yelling now, having no idea where this sudden frustration was coming from but it wouldn't go away.

"No I don't know it Kendall!" James replied, just as loudly as he was being. He stood up and placed his hands on Kendall's shoulders. "I love you Kendall. God, I'm so fucking in love with you and you know that you feel something for me too, otherwise you wouldn't be fighting me on whether or not I deserve you."

"That's totally irrelevant James." Kendall said, shrugging his hands off of him.

"How is it irrelevant?" James demanded. "You said it yourself, you're not good enough for me and people only say stuff like that when they have feelings for the person they've said it to!"

"My feelings for you don't matter because we can't be together!" Kendall yelled at him, trying to get his point across.

"Why not?" James yelled back.

"Are you seriously asking that right now James?" Kendall asked incredulously.

"Are you hard of hearing? Because I'm pretty sure I just asked it!"

"Oh my God, you're ridiculous."

"Kendall-"

"I'm dead James! Do you not understand that? I'm dead and gone and while I may be back now, I'm going to leave again and if that's not reason enough for us be together than I don't know what is!"

There was a silence between the two boys, the only sound was Kendall's heavy breathing. James just stared at him, unable to speak or keep the tears from falling. When Kendall saw his pretty hazel eyes filling up with tears, he disappeared without another word. He just couldn't do this.

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**A/N: so this was pretty angst-y… Kamesangst as One Man Writing Games called it (: but anyway, I apologize for taking a million years to upload this and I apologize again because it's short :p I'll try to get the next chapter up sooner! Oh and incase you were wondering, this story isn't going to take a sharp right turn and be like all Kames now, it's still going to involve Logan and Carlos's relationship with Kendall, and Kendall's "unfinished business" or whatever it can be called lol. But yeah, Kames is just my B-plot (:**


	7. Thanks for listening, Kendall

**A/N: ok so this chapter is like a continuation of the last chapter, and it's the longest chapter I've ever written so far (: it's pretty much James Centric, and then the next chapter is going to be a Kendall and Carlos chapter *cough special preview at the end of this chapter cough* hope you all enjoy! (: xoxo**

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_"All the moments of my life flashing right before my eyes, save the ending" - Ellis, 'Brace Yourself'_

James went down to the basement after his and Kendall's…conversation if you will. He skillfully avoided Carlos, which was good on his part since he was still crying. His heart and chest ached with sobs and general heartache. But he wasn't going to dwell on the fact that even though he was technically dead, Kendall could still manage to break his heart. Instead, he was going to take a pad of yellow lined paper, his dad's keyboard, and write some music. James was an avid song writer. Whenever inspiration came, he just started jotting down words and lines until they became something. Right now, James was sure enough he had the inspiration.

When James entered the basement, the force from the door slamming shut and him clomping angrily down the steps, he managed to knock some books off of the table by the staircase. One of the books he knocked over was No Fear Shakespeare: Romeo + Juliet. Sighing, the tall brunette bent down and picked up the book; as he did, a piece of paper fell out. Curiously, he picked it up and looked at it, feeling new tears well up in his eyes. Scrawled on the paper, in Kendall's handwriting, was the song the two of them wrote in 8th grade. James looked at the words written on the paper, fighting back his tears.

**It's like one for the haters,**  
**Two for all of those who try to shut us down.**  
**They don't really know.**  
**There ain't nothing they can do that can tear us apart.**

Despite the fact that he didn't want to, reading those lyrics triggered a memory in James's mind.

* * *

_"This is so stupid!" Kendall complained, laying upside down on the old couch in James's basement. "Mrs. Alven is stupid. And Shakespeare is stupid. And Romeo is stupid. And Juliet-"_

_"Lemme guess." James cut in. "She's stupid?"_

_"Very!" Kendall pouted. He rolled over so he was laying down on the couch, his legs resting on James's lap. The brunette raised an eyebrow at him to which Kendall replied with an all to adorable sideways smile._

_"Ok, other than you thinking everything is stupid, what do you think we should do for the project?" James asked._

_Kendall sighed. "What're the instructions again?"_

_James reached over and picked up the instruction paper resting on the coffee table. "Based on Shakespeare's famous play Romeo + Juliet, write an essay, song, poem, etc. about the two star-crossed lovers."_

_"That's stupid." Kendall muttered. James rolled his eyes and tossed the paper back to the table._

_"C'mon, this'll be easy, I write songs all the time." James said._

_"Yeah, you do. I don't." Kendall protested._

_"Don't worry, it'll be easy." James pulled Kendall up into a sitting position and looked at the blonde boy. "Just think… have you ever liked somebody that nobody wanted you to be with?"_

_Kendall paused in thought. After a few moments he replied, "Kinda. I like somebody that I know people won't want me to be with."_

_"Who?" James asked._

_"Don't worry about it, what about you?" Kendall asked, his face turning a shade of pink._

_James chuckled lightly and looked down, his face going pink as well. "S-sorta. Well I like s-somebody."_

_"Somebody that people won't accept you with?" Kendall asked._

_"Yeah, pretty much." James muttered._

_Kendall sighed. "Sucks doesn't it?" he said softly._

_James nodded. "So um… that's pretty much what Romeo and Juliet had to deal with, people not wanting them to be together I mean." James said after a moment, shuffling awkwardly in his seat. "But I bet we could turn that into a song."_

_Kendall sighed again. "Sure, let's give it a shot." he laid back down again, taking a notebook down with him._

_"Ok, when you think of people who don't want you to be together, what's a word you associate that with?" James asked._

_"Haters." Kendall replied after a moment._

_"That works." James smiled at him._

_"Ok so one for the haters…" Kendall muttered as he wrote on the note book. "Hey, that actually makes sense. It's like one for the haters." he sang with a small smile on his face._

_"Two for all of those who try and shut us down." James sang after thinking for a moment._

_Kendall chuckled, writing down James's line. "That's perfect." he said. "Really just… perfect." he smiled shyly and looked down. James smiled in return._

* * *

James sniffled, wiping at his eyes, still reading what was written on the paper.

**Cause the world stops when I put my arms around you, around you.**  
**And nothing even matters.**  
**And nothing even matters.**  
**They can all talk, say what they want about us, about us.**  
**And nothing even matters.**

'Bullshit' he thought, tossing the paper aside. James could still remember thinking that Kendall was talking about him back then, but that was obviously not true. James walked over to the keyboard, the pad of legal paper still in his hands, and took a seat in the stool that stood before the keyboard. For a while, he just started playing scales until he reached the end of the piano, where the keys were really deep. They sounded almost angry. James liked that sound right now. He pressed the keys again, over and over until the deep angry sound was filling up his ears. James stopped playing for a moment to write down two lines of a song.

**I hate everything about you**  
**Why do I love you?**

James sighed and tried to think back to a time where he could actually believe he hated Kendall. It was hard, but he actually could remember a time.

* * *

_"James, come on talk to me." Kendall was banging on the brunette's bedroom door. "You haven't talked to me all day!" Kendall heard some rustling behind the closed door and then it flew open, revealing James wearing a pathetically fake smile. Kendall sighed. "You know, it's ok to be mad at me."_

_"I'm not mad at you Kendall." James said, grinning like a Jack-O-Lantern, talking through his teeth._

_"That's bull and you know it James." Kendall rolled his eyes._

_"I don't know what you're talking about Kendall." James denied._

_"You don't want to be mad at me because I'm sick."_

_"I'm perfectly fine."_

_"So you're perfectly fine that Gustavo Rocque- the Gustavo Rocque- thinks I have more talent than you?" James's smiled faltered but Kendall kept going. "And you're perfectly fine that this is your dream and I'm the one who gets to live it out? You're perfectly fine that I got chosen to go to Hollywood with a famous music producer and become famous?" Kendall's reply to all of that was James shoving him roughly to the floor and slamming his door in his face. Kendall laid there, stunned for a moment, before getting up and cautiously pushing open the bedroom door, walking inside to see James laying on his bed, his back facing him. "Tell me what you're thinking James." he said softly._

_There was a long pause before James said almost inaudibly, "I hate you."_

_Kendall closed his eyes briefly before saying, "I know you do. It's ok." James let out an annoyed sigh but didn't say anything. "Um, is there anything else you wanna get off your chest?"_

_"Yeah, get the hell out of my room." James said almost immediately. Realizing how harsh that sounded, he added in a softer tone, "I just need to be alone for a while." Kendall nodded and walked out of James's room without another room. James, still having anger seeping through his veins, reached over to the picture of the two boys resting on his dresser and chucked it across the room. It the glass shattered and the frame cracked upon the impact; the picture itself just laid face down on his carpet._

* * *

James could hear the angry sound of the piano again even though he wasn't playing them anymore. James thought he was so angry at Kendall back then, but it turned out to be more jealousy than anger. Everything Kendall said to him was true- it was James's dream to be famous but Kendall was the one who got to live it out. Gustavo had told him he wasn't good enough and apparently Kendall was. That just killed him. He was really mad at Kendall for the first part but then he was just jealous that it wasn't him. And the two boys had made up later that same night, but for a brief moment James actually believed he hated Kendall.

James wasn't going to lie- it was possible to hate Kendall, with his inability to handle certain situations the proper way and his unforgettable temper and the fact that the boy was so damn persistent. But James always, always found a way to look past Kendall's imperfections every time he thought of that dimpled smile, or those blue-green eyes. The only thing was now that whenever James thought of those things now, it got him sad.

Sad. James could write a sad song. Everybody loved sad songs. James lifted his right hand and fingers began delicately playing some keys on the keyboard… G, F, G, B Flat, G, F… he lifted his left hand and began playing some other keys… C Minor, A Flat… the tall boy smiled lightly at the sound of a song being made. After about ten, fifteen minutes messing around on the keyboard, James started to write some lyrics. Picking up his pen he wrote down what he figured could be the chorus.

**That should be me holding your hand**  
**That should be me making you laugh**  
**That should be me this is so sad**  
**That should be me, That should be me**  
**That should be me feeling your kiss**  
**That should be me buying you gifts**  
**This is so wrong**  
**I can't go on**  
**'Till you believe**  
**That that should be me**

If that wasn't a sad song, James didn't know what one was. Even though it was good, James didn't want anybody to see that. So he crumbled up the paper and threw it across the room, where it hit the small window that was on the wall. If anybody saw that, they would know that it was about Kendall and James didn't feel like dealing with that.

James needed a new song now. He needed something else to write. But what? He sighed softly to himself and tapped the pen on the side of the piano, thinking about something that could spark inspiration.

* * *

_"James, it's ok." Kendall whispered._

_"It's ok that you're going to die and there's nothing any of us can do about it?" James asked him, lifting up his head to send Kendall a teary-eyed glare. Kendall shrunk back upon seeing the look on James's face. James was pretty even-tempered and seeing him get so mad was kind of scary._

_"James has a point you know." Carlos said softly, fighting back tears of his own. "It's not ok anymore Kendall."_

_"It is ok because I'm going to be ok." Kendall tried to sound confident and sure but his voice was breaking as a result of tears starting to build up in his eyes. "You guys have to believe that I'm going to be ok."_

_"How can we believe that when you're so sick that you can barely leave your house anymore?" James demanded. Tears were spilling down his cheeks and he threw himself up into a standing position, starting to pace. "I mean, you're always talking about how you're going to be ok but you don't know that Kendall. You don't know that it's all going to be ok so stop patronizing us for once and open your eyes to what's going on!"_

_"You think I don't know?" Kendall shakily stood up and positioned himself in front of James, forcing the taller boy to halt in his walk. "What do you want me to say then James? Do you want me to say that I'm going to die and there's nothing you guys can do about it? Is that what you wanna hear?"_

_"No." James choked back a sob._

_Kendall's expression softened and he wrapped his arms around James, pulling him into a tight hug. "Then what do you want James?" he asked._

_"It's not what I want, it's what I don't want." James replied, his voice muffled as a result of him pressing his face into Kendall's shoulder. "I don't want you to be sick and I don't want you to die." his voice broke on the word 'die' and his body started shaking with sobs. Kendall gently led him over to the couch and forced him to sit down next to Logan. Carlos climbed up onto the couch and seated himself on the other side of Kendall. He and Logan were silently crying as well._

_"Ok, all three of you- listen to me." Kendall said. He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked from Carlos to James and Logan. "What did I promise you guys in the second grade?"_

_"You promised that we'd be bestest friends forever." Logan replied, sniffling._

_"Exactly. And I intend on keeping that promise. When I said forever, I meant it."_

* * *

That seemed to be good enough inspiration for James, who started writing a new set of lyrics.

**I'll keep you locked in my head**  
**Until we meet again**  
**Until we**  
**Until we meet again**

* * *

_James had never been so afraid before in his whole life. One minute, Kendall was perfectly fine- laughing and joking around with his friends, skating up and down the ice rink just as he had wanted to- then, just out of nowhere, he dropped. Hit the ice like a pile of bricks. He laid the unmoving as Logan called his name, hoping to get a response out of him. To their horror, they didn't get one. Then, a moment later, Kendall's body jerked forward and a stream of blood shot of blood shot out of his mouth. James couldn't move or breathe; Kendall was throwing up blood right now. Blood for God's sake. That wasn't even near normal._

_James was pretty much numb the whole ride to the hospital and while they waited for Kendall's doctor to tell them that it was ok for them to see him. James worked on autopilot as he walked down to Kendall's hospital room. The blonde boy laid in his bed, eyes closed and face pale. James didn't say anything, he just stared at him with teary eyes. After a few moments, Kendall woke up and looked at James, not saying anything. _

_"You lied to me." James said._

_"I didn't." Kendall replied weakly._

_"You said you were fine, you're not fine Kendall. That was a lie." James's voice cracked on the word 'lie' and more tears streaked his cheeks._

_"I hoped I was fine. There's a difference." Kendall said. James sniffled and closed his eyes tightly. "I'm sorry Jamie." Kendall whispered._

_James cracked a weak smile. "Only you would be sorry for puking blood Kenny." he replied in a broken voice._

_Kendall smiled slightly and uttered a soft, "Yeah." there was a moment of silence before James rushed over to Kendall's side and hugged his sick friend, repeatedly crying, "I love you." in Kendall's ear._

_"I love you too Jamie." he had said back._

* * *

**And I won't forget you my friend**  
**What happened**

James soon found himself crying again as he started to write some more of his song.

* * *

_"No."_

_"James-" Logan had sighed._

_"I don't believe you, you're lying."_

_"James, we're not lying." Carlos said desperately._

_"It's not true, Kendall doesn't have cancer." James was clearly in denial about the whole thing but would you want to believe that your best friend since Pre-K had a practically incurable disease?_

_"James." Logan placed his hands on the taller boys shoulders. "Listen to my words. As much as I hate to admit it, Kendall has cancer."_

_"NO!" James pushed Logan away from him. "He doesn't, he's going to be fine!"_

* * *

**If someone said three years from now**  
**You'd be long gone**  
**I'd stand up and punch them out**  
**Cause they're all wrong**

James stopped writing after that. What could go next? James didn't want to sit there and think about all the times Kendall was sick; he needed to think about something new now. But what? James wracked his brain for an almost decent flashback and after a while of thinking, he remembered when he first started liking Kendall, and the moment that caused his crush.

* * *

_"Can I ask you a question?" Kendall and James were laying on the air mattress set up in James's room. It was about two in the morning and the two boys had been mindlessly talking for hours._

_"Sure." James replied._

_"Who was your first kiss?" Kendall asked. James's face heated up after Kendall asked him that. James was about thirteen when he realized that he was gay, or at least bi, after he had been out with numerous girl and hadn't felt that spark with any of them. Girls were always kissing his cheek and he hadn't felt the 'fireworks' from any of them. But he had felt the fireworks one day after gym class when he had seen Kendall changing out of his gym uniform._

_"Uh well… no one." James admitted._

_"Really?" Kendall sounded surprised._

_"Is that so hard to believe?" James asked._

_"Well, yeah. I mean, girls are always throwing themselves at you. You haven't kissed any of them?"_

_"Not a one." James said. "What about you?"_

_"Not really." Kendall said. "I mean, Jenny Tinkler gave me a peck on the lips one time but no I haven't had a real first kiss."_

_"Oh." James and Kendall were quiet for a moment._

_"Can I ask you a different question?" Kendall asked._

_"I guess so."_

_"Will you be my first kiss?"_

_James choked on the air after Kendall asked that question. "What?" he sputtered out._

_"Well you know, just so the two of us can get it over with." Kendall was looking like a tomato right now. "I mean, you haven't had your fist kiss, I haven't had mine… don't you wonder what it'll be like?"_

_"W-well…. Sometimes."_

_"So…"_

_James took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his rattled nerves. "S-sure."_

_Kendall's eyes widened. "Really."_

_James nodded, sat up on the mattress, and then said the words he never thought he would say. "Kiss me Kendall."_

_A minute passed before the blonde boy sat up as well and leaned forward, pressing his lips against James's._

_It was the best first kiss James could've asked for. And even though Kendall never admitted it out loud, he liked it too._

* * *

James's shaky hands picked up the pen once more and wrote the remainder of his song. The words just started to flow out now.

**That last kiss, I'll cherish**  
**Until we meet again**  
**And time makes it harder**  
**I wish I could remember**  
**But I keep your memory**  
**You visit me in my sleep**  
**My darling**  
**Who knew?**

Sniffling, the brunette boy put his pen down and wiped his teary eyes. The sound of wind hitting the old basement window caught James's eye and he lifted his head up. When he did, a stream of sunlight shone through, hitting his face. James smiled softly.

"Thanks for listening, Kendall."

* * *

**A/N: so before I go off on my usual rant, im just gonna say that I took the events from BTAudition and changed them, so they would've been this year (the year Kendall died) but over the summer instead of winter. And towards the end when James is writing Who Knew, the first three flashbacks are of when Kendall was sick but they're at slightly different periods of time. Hope that clears things up(:**

**ok, so I liked this chapter but it just seemed to… wordy to me, if that makes sense :p oh well, it wasn't horrible lol. And since I'm still taking some time to plan out my next chapter, I decided to provide my amazing readers and reviewers with a little snippet just incase it takes me longer to type it out. So here's part of Carlos and Kendall's conversation for the next chapter:**

**"Kendall, are you going to Heaven?"  
****"Yeah, that's where I'm going."  
****"Do you think it's nice there?"  
****"From what I know, it's beautiful Carlos."  
****"Are you scared?"  
****Kendall shook his head no. "Heaven doesn't scare me. Leaving you guys does, but going to Heaven… not so much."  
****Silence followed that statement.  
****"Kendall?"  
****"Hmm?"  
****"Do you think I'm gonna go to Heaven?"  
****"Of course you're going to Heaven Carlos."  
****"Do you think I'll get to bring my helmet?"**

**So that's all I got, hopefully it'll get everyone hype for the next chapter! :D BTW, I don't own any of the songs used; and incase you were wondering, they are "Nothing Even Matters" by Big Time Rush, "I Hate Everything About You" by Three Days Grace, That Should Be Me" by Justin Bieber (if you want to hear how James played this one on piano check out mbermanis12's video on YouTube of him playing this song on piano), and "Who Knew" by P!nk.**

**oh and don't forget… i love you all so much :D**


	8. I want you guys to make the decision

**A/N: I fail so hard you all have the right to smack me. **

* * *

_"And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you." - Rascal Flatts 'My Wish'_

Doors were slamming and Carlos knew that James and Kendall's conversation had gone wrong. Sighing, the Latino boy sat down on the couch in James's living room and turned on the television, in an attempt to drown out his current feelings that he was having trouble sorting out. He was happy Kendall was back, but confused at the same time. And he was sad because he would leave them again, and scared because he still wasn't sure if he could manage life without Kendall in it. Time heals? No. Without Kendall by his side, time stands still. But Kendall disagreed.

Sighing, Carlos turned the TV off and laid down on the couch, staring at the ceiling. He remember back when Kendall first got sick and he ended up in the hospital; the two boys would lie awake at night when it was Carlos's turn to stay with him and they would talk. It started off as innocent banter but most nights it would escalate to what would happen to Kendall after he died.

"Kendall, are you going to Heaven?" Carlos asked him one night.

"Yeah, that's where I'm going." Kendall replied softly.

Carlos rolled over in his cot that he had been sleeping in, holding himself up on his elbow. "Do you think it's nice there?"

"From what I know, it's beautiful Carlos."

"Are you scared?"

Kendall shook his head no. "Heaven doesn't scare me. Leaving you guys does, but going to Heaven… not so much."

Silence followed that statement.

"Kendall?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I'm gonna go to Heaven?"

Kendall turned over to look at the Latino. "Of course you're going to Heaven Carlos."

"Do you think I'll get to bring my helmet?"

Kendall chuckled. "I think that'll be ok."

Thinking about their previous conversation brought tears to Carlos's eyes and he made no effort to wipe them away.

"I'm sorry."

Carlos sat up and turned his body in the direction of Kendall's voice. The blonde boy was perched atop the arm of one of the chairs and he was watching Carlos with red rimmed eyes.

"What are you sorry for?" Carlos asked.

"I'm not helping you guys; I'm just hurting you." Kendall explained. "I thought coming back would make things easier on you but it's not."

"Kendall-"

"I'm just so selfish." Kendall continued, shaking his head. "Most of the reason I came back was because I wasn't ready to go. I mean, keep telling you guys to let me go. But the truth is I'm glad you haven't let me go because I'm scared to move on and leave you guys." Carlos stood up and crossed the room, sitting down next to Kendall. "I was barely dead a couple of hours and I came crawling back to you guys. I'm pathetic."

"You're not, Kendall." Carlos insisted. "You're one of the strongest people I know."

"I don't feel like it." Kendall protested softly. The blonde boy sniffled and looked at Carlos. "I want you guys to make the decision."

Carlos stared at him, startled. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"I want you guys to tell me if I should stay or go." Kendall repeated. "I trust you guys and I want your opinions."

"But Kendall, this is your life-"

"My life is nothing without you three, as cheesy as that sounds." Carlos chuckled lightly but his smiled faded almost as immediately as it came. "Are you sure about this Kendall?" Carlos asked meekly. Kendall nodded and Carlos sighed. "Ok, I'll talk to the guys about this."

* * *

"No."

"Logan-"

"He should stay with us. I mean, he came back for a reason." Logan insisted. "I say, we should let him stay."

"Logan, Kendall deserves to move on and you know that." James insisted. "We don't need him around forever."

"Are you serious? Of course we need him! The four of us aren't the same without him!"

James groaned and turned to Carlos. "A little help here?"

"I don't know what to say!" Carlos exclaimed. "I'm undecided."

"Well make up your mind because we're one to one here." James replied.

"He's staying." Logan insisted.

"This isn't your decision to make Logan." James snapped.

"Oh, like it's yours to make?" Logan countered. "You just want him to because you're made that he wouldn't return your little puppy crush on him."

James replied to that by roughly shoving Logan backwards so he fell to the floor. Logan glared at him and stood up, shoving him back just as hard. Carlos jumped between them before a bigger fight broke out.

"Ok, let's just all calm down now and think about this rationally." he told him.

"There's nothing to think about." Logan replied. "Kendall said he came back because he didn't want to leave so why would we make him leave us?"

"Because he has the right to move on." James insisted. "Besides, if we don't let go of him and he doesn't let go of us, none of us will move on."

"But we don't have to move on if we just let him stay!" Logan exclaimed. "I want him here, Carlos wants him here, and I assume you want him here-"

"I do." James interrupted.

"So then he should stay with us where he belongs!" Logan concluded.

"Ok enough!" Carlos exclaimed. "We're all torn about what to do here, that much is obvious. James is ready to let go of Kendall, Logan isn't, and I'm not sure if I want to let him go or move on. But we need to give Kendall a decision so we need to stop fighting and figure this out."

James groaned and sat down on the couch, Logan in the chair, and Carlos on the coffee table.

"Ok, here's what I think." James said after a few moments of silence. "It's not that I'm ready to let him go but keeping him here isn't helping anything. I know that we want him with us but Kendall told us when he was sick that he didn't want us to stop our lives for him. So we shouldn't."

Logan sighed. "You have a point, but he isn't ready to move on and we're not ready to let him move on."

"Logan has a point." Carlos said.

James groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "We're getting nowhere with this."

Another silence.

"So what do we do?" Logan asked softly.

* * *

**A/N: ugh I've failed you guys once again ): this chapter was pretty lame in my opinion but it was important to the story. Most of the reason it took me so long to update was that I had absolutely no idea how this story should go. Finally I figured it out… I think. But anyway, this story will be coming to an end soon. I'm sorry if you guys weren't that pleased with it but im so thankful that I had all these faithful reviewers (: you guys rock!**


	9. This is just… I'll see you soon

**A/N: ok so as all BTRushers probably know, today is the one year anniversary since BTR first aired on Nick, and I couldn't be more proud of them(: so I figured, in celebration to all of my fellow BTRushers, I updated my story(: this is the last chapter before the end of the story (I wanted to end it on an even number) and it's inspired by the incredible movie 'Keith'. hope you all like it (: **

* * *

_"There's never a right time to say goodbye" - Chris Brown, 'Say Goodbye'_

The stars were twinkling in the night sky, and the moon was casting a slight glow upon Kendall's face, where he was sitting on the rooftop of his house. He realized that he hadn't been near his own family since he returned and it made him feel pretty horrible. But he knew involving his mom and sister in all of this would just make everyone more complicated and worse.

He had been watching them ever since his conversation with Carlos had come to an end. They seemed better than he had expected. Granted, he caught both of them crying over him at least once in the day, but for the most part they made it through the day ok. And Kendall knew that was because he hadn't come back into their lives and screwed everything up.

He knew he was selfish for coming back, no matter how many times he said it was really for Carlos, James, and Loan. Deep down, he knew that the boys would've eventually been ok after he was gone but he wasn't ready to accept that. There wasn't a day of his life when Kendall didn't have those three by his side and when he got sick he knew that was going to change.

And Kendall didn't like change.

But he knew that one day, everything was going to change. And one day was coming soon.

"So, it's agreed? We're really gonna do this?" Carlos asked James and Logan. The three boys had tear streaked faces and red rimmed eyes after their conversation on whether or not Kendall should stay or go. It was the toughest decision any of them had to made but finally, after a few hours of debate and crying, they had made their decision.

Logan nodded. "Let's do this before we change our minds." he said. James just sniffled and nodded in agreement. Carlos inhaled a sharp breath and nodded as well.

"Ok, let's go see Kendall." he whispered, wondering if this was the last he was ever going to say those words.

It took some time but the four boys were finally together. James, Logan, and Carlos had snuck into the old ice rink where they had played hockey together for years and Kendall had showed up there after they got inside. Standing there in the middle of the rink, the blonde leader

The silence between the four boys was awkward and it hung thickly in the air like smog. Every breath someone took seemed to be louder than usual and they all had a seemingly hard time looking one another in the eye.

"Aren't you guys cold?" Kendall asked.

"We're fine. We've been through worse." Carlos said.

James smirked softly. "Like remember the time we lost that bet against Duluth East in the seventh grade?"

Kendall chuckled fondly at the memory. "And we had to play our next game against them in nothing but our padding and our boxers."

Logan chuckled as well, forgetting that he was pretty mad at Kendall for a moment. "Our moms all thought we were going to get hypothermia after that and they didn't want us to play."

"But we insisted and we played." Carlos added.

"And we still kicked their asses." James concluded.

"Yeah." Kendall smiled warmly. Another silence followed, but this time if was a comfortable one, like it was meant to be there. "We were a good team." Kendall added as an after thought."

"We've always been a good team," Logan corrected him. "Because we've always been there for each other. Like the time Jesse Anderson beat me up and I ended up with a concussion." Logan saw all his friends cringe at the memory but he continued in a strong, steady voice. "You guys stayed with me while I was in the hospital and after that when I was healing." Logan paused, turning to his left to look at Carlos. "Or there was the time Carlos's grandma had her stroke that one summer, and his whole family was pretty much a walking Lifetime Original Movie. We all stayed at his house and stayed up with him while he cried himself to sleep every night until she was better." Carlos nodded solomly and Logan looked to his right, at James. "Or the first time your dad took his belt to your back." James visibly flinched at Logan's bluntness but Logan placed a hand on his shoulder, relaxing him. "We convinced you to tell Carlos's dad so you couldn't get hurt anymore." Logan then looked at Kendall, a stare so intense Kendall actually had to look down at the ice. "And then there was the time you got sick." Logan said softly. "But the point I'm trying to make is that as long as we're all here for each other, we'll always make a good team."

Kendall couldn't be more prouder of Logan at that moment. "You're right Logie." there was a pause before he spoke again. "So, is that why you guys called me here? To reminisce about the good and bad times?"

"No um actually…" Carlos coughed awkwardly. "Remember how you told us you wanted us to make the decision on whether or not you should stay?" Kendall licked his suddenly dry lips and nodded. "We've made our decision."

Kendall felt like his legs were going to give out at any moment but he willed himself to stay strong. "Which is…?"

Carlos, Logan, and James all looked at each other before James softly said, "We've decided that you should…"

Kendall didn't hear what James was saying though. As soon as his own question had left his lips it was like his life was flashing before his eyes.

He remembered when he first met Carlos, James and Logan in Pre-K.

He remembered the play dates they used to have at each other's houses all throughout their childhood.

He remembered how lucky he felt every first day of school when he realized that the three of them were going to be in his class.

He remembered the feeling of utter protection he felt when Logan used to get picked on for being the smartest kid in class.

He remembered the rage he felt whenever one of his friends would get teased or beat up.

He remembered the feeling of heartbreak when he saw Carlos cry for the fist time.

He remembered the feeling of rage when he saw the deep purple bruises on James's back that day after gym class.

He remembered their first hockey game together. He remember the first game they lost, and the first game they won.

He remembered the day Carlos convinced him to surprise his mother by cleaning the house and they ended up filling the entire basement with laundry detergent bubbles.

He remembered the day he and James snuck into the locker room at Duluth East and trashed it, sneaking out just before the janitor came around.

He remembered the day Logan spent helping him study for his chemistry test so he wouldn't get benched for their next hockey game.

He remembered the looks on their faces when he told them that he had cancer.

He remembered the audition with Gustavo Rocque.

He remembered how they all thought he was an idiot for telling Gustavo Rocque no.

He remembered when the doctor told him that he wasn't responding to his treatments anymore.

He remembered Carlos asking him if he was going to die.

He remembered telling him no.

He remembered his last day with them at his house before he passed away in his sleep.

Those moments all replayed in Kendall's mind over and over again before James's voice snapped him back to reality. "What?"

"Did you hear what I said?" James asked him.

"No, sorry I sort of spaced out." Kendall replied. "What'd you say?"

James sighed, but not in an annoyed kind of way in a I-really-don't-want-to-have-to-say-this-again-because-I-might-cry-if-I-do kind of way. "We decided that you shouldn't stay with us anymore. You should move on and go to heaven."

Kendall closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Deep down, he knew that this is what they would tell him. He just wished it didn't hurt as much as it did. "And this is what you guys want?" he asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"We don't want it but it's what should happen." Carlos corrected him. "We all need to move on Kendall."

Kendall nodded. "Ok, so this is it."

"No." Logan said, feeling his previous feelings of anger return.

"No?"

"Yeah, you're not getting off that easily Knight." Logan managed to glare at him, despite the tears making his eyes shine.

"What do you mean Logan?" Kendall asked softly.

"This is the goodbye scene." Logan said.

"Let's not, ok." Kendall said almost immediately after he ended his statement. Seriously, knowing that his friends actually wanted him to go to heaven and not stay on earth with them was painful enough. He didn't need to go through the whole goodbye stuff.

"No, we're doing it." Logan sounded angrier than he did before but at the same time he sounded so completely sad. He started walking across the ice to where Kendall was standing. "So let's do it Kendall. Give me your best goodbye. Tell me what you got to say."

Kendall placed his hands on Logan's shoulders and looked him in the eye. "I'm sorry Logan." he started. "When I died, I know that you were so messed up over it, you especially." Logan flinched slightly and looked down at his feet, but Kendall kept going. "And even though I screwed up by coming back, you're going to be ok. You are smart and strong and brave…" Kendall's voice started to shake. "And you're the best friend a guy like me could ever ask for. How was that for a goodbye?"

"Good." Logan choked out and Kendall gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Logan sniffled and raised his head to look up at Kendall. "Just tell me one thing." he pleaded, his voice cracking.

"Anything Logie." Kendall whispered.

Logan inhaled a sharp breath and a single tear tarnished his face as he spoke. "Why did you come back?"

Kendall cleared his throat. "The truth?" he asked and Logan nodded, looking down at his feet again. Kendall cleared his throat once more before continuing. "When I first got sick, I had it all figured out. So I cut out a little early? Who cares? It's probably a good thing; life sucks, anyway. But then… I realized that everything I had figured out just meant that I would be without my three best friends for the rest of eternity. And…" Kendall gently placed his hand on the shorter boy's chin to raise his head up to look at him. Tears that were filling up in Logan's eyes started pouring out when he saw Kendall's tear streaked face. "I just wanted a little more time." Kendall whispered.

"And that's the truth?" Logan asked through his tears.

"I've never lied to you before, and I'm not gonna start now." Kendall replied simply. Logan bit his lip, biting back a sob and then through his arms around Kendall, hugging him tightly. Kendall buried his face within Logan's hair, his tears seeping into his brown roots as Logan's tears seeped into Kendall's shirt. The two boys stayed like that for what felt like forever before Logan gently pushed himself away from Kendall. With a sniffle and a short wave, Logan backed up to where James and Carlos were standing.

Kendall inhaled a sharp breath. "Ok, so who's next?" he asked, steadying his voice.

"Uh, I guess me." Carlos said softly. He walked across the ice until he was standing in front of Kendall. "Hey."

"Hi." Kendall sighed.

"So…you still think I'll get to bring my helmet to heaven?" Carlos asked, offering a small smile. Kendall smiled in return but a small sob escaped and Carlos launched himself into the blonde's arms.

"Don't ever change Carlos." Kendall told him. "I know that you said we all had to do some growing up after I got sick but I really miss the old Carlos. Can you bring him back for me? Please?"

Carlos choked on a sob but nodded. "What do you want me to do?" he asked, his voice cracking.

"Just be the real you." Kendall said, not letting go of him. "Don't worry about being serious and responsible. Just be the real, reckless, fuck-the-consequences, crazy you."

"Ok, but if I do that for you then you have to do something for me." Carlos said, pulling away.

"Anything, what?" Kendall asked, wiping his eyes. Wordlessly, Carlos picked his helmet off of his head and placed it on Kendall's, earning a wide-eyed stare from him. "Carlos, I can't-"

"Wear it, it'll make you brave." Carlos told him. "But give it back after I die."

"I will bro." Kendall said softly. Carlos gave him a pat on the shoulder and then returned to his spot next to Logan. The two short boys looked at James, who was biting his lip and staring nervously at his feet. After a whole minute passed, he slowly walked over to Kendall.

"Finally someone I don't have to look down at." Kendall joked lightly and James cracked a small smile. But it faded as soon as it had appeared and there was a silence between them. "I'm sorry." Kendall finally said. "For when you told me how you felt, I didn't deal with it like a decent guy should've."

"Forget about it." James said, his voice sounding huskier than usual due to the fact that he was trying to hold back his tears. "I can't stay mad at you for long anyway."

Kendall smiled softly though his heart was breaking on the inside. He ran his fingers affectionately through James's hair. "You know, in a way, you're the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"How?" James asked, confused.

Kendall placed both his hands on the sides of James's face and lifted his head so they wee staring intensely into each other's eyes. As yet another tear slipped down Kendall's face, the blonde boy leaned in and pressed his lips against James's. The brunette boy stood there, shocked, but after he realized that Kendall wasn't pulling away, he let eyes flutter shut and started to kiss back. Their front teeth collided and their tongues battled for dominance, but neither of them backed off. After a few more moments, Kendall pulled away and he wasn't the only one of the pair crying anymore. "You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me because I love you so much." Kendall replied, struggling to keep his voice steady. "And leaving you hurt more than anything."

James replied by letting out the sob that had been building up in his throat since he first got there and threw his arms around Kendall's neck, hugging him tightly. Kendall squeezed his eyes tightly shut and breathed a shaky breath. He was speaking at a much faster rate now, as if he was trying to get the words out before the tears fell. "I know I should've done something about this sooner but I was too afraid and I didn't think you liked me back so I tried liking Jo but I didn't like nearly as much as I love y-y-y-"

"Shh, it's ok." James cut him off after realizing that Kendall's sobs were making it difficult for him to speak anymore. "It's ok, I forgive you." Kendall pulled away from James and wiped his tears away with his thumb. "We'll see each other again Kenny." James whispered.

"Not anytime soon." Kendall said seriously, flashing back to when James tried to jump off his roof.

"Not anytime soon." James promised him. The brunette boy placed a sweet kiss on Kendall's forehead before walking back to his two shorter friends. The three boys had their arms over each other's shoulders, as if they were the only things keeping them from falling over.

"Guys." Kendall said to them from where he stood. "Just remember, this isn't goodbye. Goodbye means you'll never see me again. This is just… I'll see you soon." Carlos, James, and Logan all nodded and watched through their tears as a bright light shone throughout the whole ice rink, blinding them all. When the light faded and they all could see again, Kendall was gone. It had felt like someone had taken a knife and punctured a hole in each one of their chests and now everything was leaking out, leaving the three boys feeling emptier than ever. Carlos, James and Logan all turned around to leave but stopped short when they heard a familiar voice echo throughout the rink.

"I love you guys."

And it was those four words that stopped the leaking.

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**A/N: ok so im crying right now and this one was pretty lengthy to make up for the lack of updates and the fail-chapters I wrote. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. Oh, and the next story of mine to be up will more than likely be 'The Night Is Young' (check out my profile to see what it'll be about). Last chapter is the next one.**


	10. The four of them were finally together

**A/N: and here is the last chapter :D I want to thank everyone who reviewed this, especially Falling to Fly who gave me so much support the whole time I was writing this :D but I love all my other reviewers too! You're all so awesome :D **

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_"If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be. Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, and you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street" - The Script, 'The Man Who Can't Be Moved' _

The years went on and on. Carlos, James, and Logan all aged and soon death too the three boys like it had taken Kendall. But as the years continued the three boys found themselves able to wake up everyday without that same feeling of hollowness in their chests. Slowly, they began to heal. But what helped them heal? Time didn't. All that time does is make it more distant, put more space between you and what happened. It doesn't heal anything. Carlos, James, and Logan didn't know how or what did the healing, but it wasn't time.

Time eventually did catch up with the three boys, all of them passing away with old age taking their final breaths. But as Kendall requested, the boys did live out their lives to the fullest.

Carlos followed in his father's footsteps and became the head of the police academy. He married his high school sweetheart, Stephanie King when he was twenty five. Their wedding was small, just friends and family, and Logan and James shared the position of Carlos's best man. Shortly after the wedding they had their first son together- Kendall Carlitos Francis Garcia. Following the birth of Kendall, Carlos and Stephanie had two more kids- another son and a daughter. They remained in Minnesota, moving into the house Carlos grew up in after his father died and his mother moved out. The years went on and Carlos eventually retired from the police force and after a marriage of fifty years, three beautiful kids, five grandkids, and a German Sheppard named Sparky, Carlos passed away peacefully in his sleep at the age of seventy-five.

James lived out a different dream. Growing up all he wanted to do was become famous, but after saying goodbye to Kendall he decided he needed something else for his life. He became the center for the Minnesota Wild, a dream that had been Kendall's up until he died. Very game, he played for Kendall and he played his heart out each time, eventually making himself MVP. James remained single, since his heart belonged to Kendall, and "the eye of every girl's affection" as stated when he made the cover of Sports Illustrated. At the age of thirty five, James played his last hockey game before he was to retire. At that game, James was knocked to the ground, loosing his helmet, and earning a blow to the head from someone's skate. After he was hit, James had a seizure and at the hospital, a tumor was found in James's brain. The doctors didn't expect him to live very long but James beat the odds and found himself in remission after almost two years of suffering with the tumor. After he was cleared of the cancer, he continued to live his life out as best he could, never halting for anything or anyone (except Carlos and Logan). He made it to his late seventies before his body just started shutting down and like Carlos, he died in his sleep.

Logan became the next big thing since House. He moved up to Maryland so he could start a practice at the Johns Hopkins University as an undergraduate. He was accepted to the Johns Hopkins Medical School and did very well during his time there. He then moved back to Minnesota to finish out his final year of medical school at St. John's Hospital, in Maplewood, Minnesota. At twenty-five he graduated as second best in his class and at thirty-three he became the youngest Dean of Medicine as well as the Head of Diagnostic Medicine Department. Throughout his practice, he fell in love with the Head of the Department of Oncology- Camille Sanders, whom he secretly called Cuddy while they dated. At forty, Logan and Camille finally married, having the same type of small wedding as Carlos. They had one child together, a daughter named Erin, and three grandchildren from her and her husband. When Logan reached seventy give, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer disease and he passed away six years later. He lived the longest of the three.

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"Welcome to heaven Logie."

The raven haired boy blinked as the white walls around him morphed into what looked like the lake behind Kendall's house. Standing before him was Carlos, James, and Kendall. The three boys looked like they did when they were sixteen, as if nothing had ever changed. Carlos even wore his helmet again. Logan felt himself smile when he saw Kendall's arm looped around James's waist and the brunette boy couldn't be smiling wider. And right now neihter could Logan. The four of them were finally together again.

"Took you long enough." Carlos joked.

Logan laughed sheepishly and went to run his fingers through his hair. As he did so he noticed that the wrinkles and old age that had been etched into his skin for years were gone. He could walk and run again and even his appearance had changed; looking into a mirror he realized that he had taken the appearance of their sixteen-year-old self.

"What the…?" he looked to his friends for explanation.

"Let's just say, I pulled in a favor so I don't have to hang out with a bunch of eighty-year-olds trying to play hockey with me." Kendall smirked. Logan smiled and rushed toward him, hugging him tightly.

"Alright, now lace up." Kendall said. "We can finally play a proper game of two on two."

And Logan laughed, but not because Kendall sounded slightly ridiculous. But because he finally realized that Kendall was right; it wasn't goodbye.

It really and truly was, I'll see you soon.

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**F i n (:**


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